I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
