I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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