my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
