i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
