Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
