I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
