The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
