I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
