Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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