In America we eat man semen.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
