____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
