just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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