Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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