He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i now understand why vodka
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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