he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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