if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
