I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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