i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
