Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
