im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
