gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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