so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Randomize