That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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