so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
