i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
