I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
