Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You took a bar mat shot.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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