Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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