hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize