Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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