I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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