my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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