So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
