By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I enjoy the company of your penis
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I did not marry a roomba.
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