recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
