im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
