I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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