I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize