Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize