The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
