How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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