Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
