Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
