My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I AM VODKA MAN
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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