I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
