Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We don't watch enough power rangers
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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