the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
