i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
