i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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