I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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