Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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