Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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