R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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