This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
