Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
