Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize
