I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I did not marry a roomba.
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