I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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