aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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