Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
