i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm at about main and main street
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
