found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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