Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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